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The Gouty Weasel has many moods...all of them foul.

"Either bugger off or die, it's all the same to me."

The Gouty Weasel's First Law of Humanity

"85% of the population is unquestionably stupid. I'm still deciding on the rest."

The Gouty Weasel loves children

"Let children take chances. If they die, they're just too dumb to live anyway."

...and pets as well

"Dogs are stupid, smelly, and unpleasant. You have to feed them, play with them, keep them clean... it's like having a child in the house.
A child that will never be old enough to go to the bathroom by himself."

All things considered, he's not a very cheerful rodent

"The whole world's getting soft. It's going to Hell in a handbasket. Of course, in my day, we didn't have comfy handbaskets to be carried about in. In my day, if you wanted to go to Hell, you bloody well had to walk."

He does, however have a softer side

Read the poetry of the Gouty Weasel

"People are stupid. It's a law of nature. Getting mad at stupid people makes about as much sense as getting mad at gravity. Do you blame gravity when you drop your keys?"

From The Journal of the Gouty Weasel

The Gouty Weasel had a good day today:

"Met a wretchedly vapid woman at the supermarket today. She insisted on talking to me the entire time we were waiting in the checkout line. It was all I could do not to strangle her with my cane to keep her from talking. She kept telling me about the latest episode of 'Survivor.' Sounds like a bloody stupid thing to me. I have an idea for a show: drop 16 people off on an island, and give them each a knife and some fishing line. Tell them whoever is alive at the end of them month gets the million. Tell them no charges will be pressed for any of their actions while on the island. Now that might be a show worth watching."

The Gouty Weasel encounters foolish attempts a clever logical connections:

I read a simply ludicrous bumper sticker today. It read "Einstein was a vegetarian. Think about it." Think about what? A completely bogus implied relationship between vegetarianism and intelligence? I left a note on the idiot's windshield that said "Hitler was a vegetarian, too. Think about it. Oh, Hell, just think!"

The Gouty Weasel assails yet more stupidity in the world:

I heard the most ridiculous statement today. "There is no such thing as a stupid question." Don't be foolish, of course there is! And the sooner someone stands up, points at the purveyor, and says "That, sir, is an exceedingly stupid question. Please shut up.", the sooner we will be on the road to more intelligent and civilized discourse. If no one ever tells these idiots that they are asking stupid questions, they will never learn anything. I do not condone stupidity merely for the sake of saving someone's feelings.